Wacky President

[This is a transcript of a news conference held by the independent presidential candidate, Phillip Diamond.]

Q:  What will your policy be toward the European Union?

A:  If they get out of line, I’ll nuke them back to the stone age.

Q: Do you know what the Constitution is?

A:  Oh my God.  I thought you Jews were supposed to be smart.  Yeah.  Constitution is the stuff that gives you hit points.

Q:  Have you ever taken acid?

A:  Not for at least two weeks.  Know where I can get some?

Q:  Do you know who was assassinated at the end of the American Civil War?

A:  A bunch of people.  Kennedy.  John Lennon.  That guy they named the streets after….  People were getting bumped off left and right.

Q:  What does capitalism mean to you?

A:  You do capitals with, like, people’s names.  And the start of sentences.  Could we stay on topic here, folks?